- So SiiCK - Tuesday, October 21, 2008 yep! we are in another fight! it seems like we have to get into one once a month! which pisses me off, but gary is such a selfish bastard! he doesnt do anything for me and has yet to do anything for the baby! and i dont know if thts because the kid is not here yet or what but its like pulling teeth to ask him for ANYTHING! i feel like if i ask him for anything he makes me feel like im weak for asking for stuff, and its so crazy because when he doesnt have something im ALWAYS there for him, when hes broke or in need I GIVE...because thts how selfless i am and how much i love the ppl around me tht i want them to have EVERYTHING they need even if i dnt have ANYTHING! well he always starts problems with me for no reason and it REALLY upsets me because im 9mnths preg. everything upsets me, so yesterday i went to his house tht morning and we were tlking about our problems but then when his bitchass step dad came out he tried to start being hardcore and calling me a bitch and telling me he's not going to loan me tools 2 set up our babys crib and pushing me out of his garage, so there i am like a stupid standing there at his front door knocking trying to get him to give me tools to fix the babys crib up and he wouldnt and i knew he was standing there so i started talking shit about how he is a dead-beat, which he is already showing signs of but he's like ur a dead-beat mom and yadda yadda, and i went the fuck off, like how much have u bought for ur son?!?!? what have u gotten for him?!?! EVERYTHING ur son has is frm me, my mom, and other ppl (the baby shower), and what have u bought?!?! and 15 dollar bottle of laundry detergent, tht i had to practically beg him for and then i boutght fabric softner tht was 3 dollars and he had the NERVE to ask me for change from it! can u believe tht?!?! he asked me for change and i said what change the fabric softner was 3 dollars, and get this! he told me did i say i was buying tht?! OMG, i couldnt believe it...it broke my heart and made me so mad, and he was serious (i could tell) but at the same time he was kinda smiling about it, and it just pissed me off...but we'll see what happens when my baby gets here, because honestly i dnt know how long me and him are going to last!!! so we'll see what happens, we are suposed to go register tomorrow for the hospital but we havent talked since yesterday morning so we'll see what happens...im just getting fed up! like 4 real!

posted by E.Kaye @ 11:30 AM [[ 0 comments ]]

- Hurt Feelings - Thursday, September 18, 2008 So im basically feeling like shit today! I feel like im not good enuff because im black! thts pretty much how im feeling in a nutshell, and let me tell u why! Ok, well 1st of all im almost 8 months pregnant rite now, well yesterday me and my bf were out with his friends, i put gas in my car and drove him and his friends all the way to another city 2 buy weed, payed for the weed, drove all the way back, bought blunts so he could smoke the weed and then while he smoked we just hung out, well he called his friend tht moved to North Carolina 2 see how he was doing and his friends girlfriend picked up the phone, well gary was talking to her and having a normal conversation, then all of a sudden he gets up and walks behind me, and turns the volume down on the phone, then walks away...and my 1st thought is why are u turning down the phone now, u were having a normal conversation with her a second ago, why all of a sudden is ur conversation private?!?!? so the 1st thing im thinking is, he doesnt want her to say something tht he doesnt want me to hear...which i was rite, but i didnt hear him responding to her in any wierd way so i assumed tht it was something sexual...which it turned out to not be...it turned out tht she was asking him about his baby, and telling him he had a baby with a "nigger"...well even tho i didnt know she said tht at the time, tht would have been the last thing i thought she would say because i figured if she would say something like tht he woulda responded w/ dont call my girl tht, or something...ANYTHING defending me, but either way i got mad and i was standing there being quiet and he starts telling his friends...totally humiliating me...dont ever have kids, i feel like im married, blah blah blah, im gonna put on the back of my car dont be a tool, and just basically standing there disrespecting me saying tht he pretty much wishes we werent having a baby together...which makes me feel like shit, so then i start going off on him, because i felt like i tried to be quiet for long enuff, and i started saying im not a punk gary ur not gonna sit here and talk shit to me to ur friends and disrespect me like im not even there, and he starts bringing up oh i wish i was having a baby by a white girl, and white girls shut up, and why did i have to get stuck w/ you and saying all this shit in front of his friends, just totally embarresing me! i couldnt even believe it! i was soooo mad! because i LOVE HIM so much and i would never EVER disrespect him like tht, and i would never say the shit he said to me! so now i feel sick to my stomach...and he still doesnt see how he is soooo wrong...i feel so bad about myself, i feel like i wish i never got pregnant by him because im black, i feel sorry for our kid because his dad...is not a bitch, but has some BITCH ASS qualitys and cant even defend us...because in my eyes if he is letting somebody call me a nigger then he is letting them call our baby a nigger! i've never felt so low, i've never felt so bad about myself, to where i wish i was something else, or to where i wish i'd never met him, i've always had confidence in my life and always felt like i was the best i could be but i cant lie, i feel like shit! i feel like im not good enuff for him, i feel like i want to just let him go do his thing so tht he can be with a white girl as hard as i try and as much as i do, it just breaks my heart tht somebody who is suposed to LOVE me is constantly telling me how im not good enuff, and for him to say what he said last nite...i've never heard him say "why couldnt i have gotten stuck w/ a white girl!" it makes me feel like taking my baby and just running away and never coming back! but i would never do tht to my son! and i just pray every day tht his dad is 10 times better to him then he his 2 me!

posted by E.Kaye @ 9:53 AM [[ 0 comments ]]

- AnOtHeR FiGhT! UgH! - Thursday, August 14, 2008 So basically me and him are in another fight...again! He got mad at me like 2 days ago because he tried calling me and i didnt answer...he was calling for 10 minutes b4 he just popped up at my house! and i was outside talking to my cousin, helping her get the baby and his stuff into her car, well he pulls up and he was all pissed off saying WHY ARENT U ANSWERING YOUR PHONE and i told him, well i stepped out here to help her get her stuff into the car and he just sped off so i was like whatever, then he came back like oh so u wanna just act like u dnt care, and blah blah blah, and so he stopped talking to me, so i was txtn him and he was callin me talkin shit to me and hanging up then i would txt him again cuz he wouldnt answer my calls, and i feel like he must be cheating or something, because there is no reason for him to start an arguement with me unless hes trying to start one so he can be mad at me and run the streets with whoever! so i was pissed and he kept saying like he should be able to name the baby and im like are u fucking kidding me...he wants the baby to be Nathan Anthony James, and he picked tht WHOLE name, and he expects me not to pick ANY of the baby's name! he is fuckin crazy and if he keeps getting on my nerves he's not gonna have ANY say in the baby's name, i will name tht baby what i want to which would probably be Cayden Anthony-Allen James! but he says tht Cayden is a girlie name, but whatever, i have offered him plenty of times to sit down with me and help me find a name tht we both like! but he doesnt want to do tht so FUCK HIM! so we are pretty much done, i told him to stop being childish and petty and he said alrite then fuck u, and he broke up with me, and it pisses me off because he calls me and talks shit and then hangs up so i never get a chance to say what i want to say, so i know which way he drives when he gets off wrk and i went tht way and he had the nerve to say, stop stalking me! so i realized tht FUCK HIM, i need to just learn to leave his ass alone and be open and excepting to outside invitations, because i need to make tht 1st step to moving on so tht i can stop running back to his bitchass! but i have a feeling tht this break-up isnt gonna last long, and i dnt plan on it lasting long because i need him 2 pay for half of the babys crib set, half of my 4d ultrasound, to buy his car seat & stroller, and to help me paint the baby's room! so we'll see, i'll probably be callin him on sunday 2 see if he can help me paint the room and stucco the wall, and maybe we'll make up then...if not my 4d is on the 24th and my baby shower is on the 6th, so we'll see!

posted by E.Kaye @ 5:36 PM [[ 0 comments ]]

- ...Doing Fine... - Wednesday, July 30, 2008 Well me and my boyfriend are doing good...other than the fact tht i feel like i have to compete with his friends for his time! why?!?! its like this week he spent friday and saturday with his friends sunday w/ me...AND HIS FRIENDS...monday w/ me & HIS FRIENDS...and yesterday tuesday he didnt see me at all he spent the whole day with his friends, so i basically called him yesterday and was going off on him telling him tht he is gay and tht he always wants to be with his friends but yet i have to practically FORCE him to spend time with me...and im like WTF kind of shit is tht to where i have to talk shit to him for him to want to spend time with me...telling me "oh well fine i wont see sam tomorrow" like are u fucking kidding me...ur tellin me oh well fine i wont see him tomorrow, like thts ur bitch or somethin! so i was pissed off yesterday, going off on him, because FUCK THT, i am your girlfriend and ur baby's mom and i have to FORCE u to see me but u can run and be w/ ur friends w/out a friggin question...and then they blow u up all day like a bitch! so i cant wait until he spends time with me, im going to tell him off for every little thing, and im gonna tell him tht im not gonna compete with his friends! there should be NO competition there! so we'll see how everything goes...but im NOT having it...not at all, but other than tht gary has been ok...he always finds a reason to get a fucked up attitude with me and to be mean to me, but other than tht he's been cool...we'll see tho, because im not putting up with it anymore, and he's not gonna see his friends for a LONG time if i have anything to do with it...fuck tht, i just keep thinking over and over about how he said fine then i wont see sam tomorrow! UGH! it pisses me off...its bad enuff tht he hasnt spent the nite with me in a long ass time, and now on top of everything he is making me feel like his friends and his weed is more important than me! oh and his mom is in the hospital, and i gotta say even tho i dnt wish negative on her...other than her own fuckin karma tht i hope comes around to her, i do have to say tht it feels good for her to be outta my way! this has been a great week!

posted by E.Kaye @ 9:06 AM [[ 0 comments ]]

- It's like SOOOO official! - Thursday, July 17, 2008 So basically its like super official...we are no longer together and i dnt have plans to EVER be back in a relationship with tht boy...im DONE! like i went over there today to talk to him and his moms all outside tryna be in our conversation...like what the fuck, ur a grown ass woman why the hell are u outside all in our business...and we basically came to the conclusion tht we need to be done and he needs to just focus on taking care of his kid...as soon as the baby is born im taking his ass to court so he can get court ordered child support and hopefully they give him enuff visitation so he can see his child, but im done, i want nothing more to do with him! im over it...so im going on and im prepared to go alone, and hopefully he finds somebody tht he loves, and someone thts gonna deal with his whore of a mother! like seriously cuz im not going 2! so...this is it...u wont hear me on here saying tht im gonna call him or anything cuz im not, im gonna do me, get a better job, have my baby, get my own apartment, and get back in school, FUCK HIM!

posted by E.Kaye @ 8:15 PM [[ 0 comments ]]

- Wierdness! - Wednesday, July 16, 2008 Well i called him last nite, like a million times! ugh! i even cried on his voicemail and told him how much i missed him and how i was going thru soooo much, well he didnt answer, but i know he called me twice @ my job and just hung up the phone...i think he was calling to see if i was there...well i called him when i got off wrk at about 5 o'clock and he ANSWERED! and i said can we talk and he said, hey im kinda busy can i call u back? and i said sure, so i called him like an hr later, because my friend wanted me to go with her to get her tattoo, well he didnt answer! so i've been calling him ever since...im just getting sooo upset because im like did u not know tht it was me on the phone or what?!?! why would u tell me u were going to call me back but then not answer the phone when i called u?!?! well actually he picked up once and then hung it up automatically! its like what?! did u think i was a different girl!? i just dont know what to do, and im stressing out rite now and tearing up rite now...i want to drive past his house soooo bad just to at least see if he's at home...im really struggling rite now...but for the most part i had a great day, because i thought tht was him calling, so yea! but i just really want him to hug me rite now and kiss me rite now! its sooo wierd, because im thinking in my head the only way tht he would fully just cut me off is if there is another girl involved and tht is a huge fear for me! ugh!

posted by E.Kaye @ 8:53 PM [[ 0 comments ]]

- What I Really Want! - Tuesday, July 15, 2008 For some reason when me and my bf break up like this im usually, really upset and bored, and taking things hard, but for some reason im not taking it tht hard...and its been almost 6 days since i've talked to him...the longest i've gone is 7 days with us being mad at each other, and the longer time we've been away from each other the more i just want to hug and kiss him, i want him to hold me, and call me a bunch a day to see what im doing! lol, i get over him and im like whatever, but then i see couples together and i see movies about couples and im like i miss my lovebug! (thts what i call him)...and then i think about all the good times we've had together...and i told myself tht i was not going to call him anymore but then i start making plans to call him a nite! which is when im really lonely...lol, i know i said i wasnt but i want to give it one more shot, even tho i feel much better when i dont call him then when i do and he doesnt want to talk to me...i've felt this way before tho, like he just wants to be done with me but then it seems like he always eventually comes around...but i dnt know this time feels like the real deal, probably because im taking it so easy! i dont know, but i really do think im gonna call him tonite at like 9:42pm (i know wierd time) and see if he want to talk...dude i really need to get laid!!!! LOL, and im not gonna just go out and have sex with a stranger, i want his hands on me, and his lips on me! not ANYONE elses! so we'll see, im almost sure tht he wont talk to me, just because he's been doing so good ignoring me...but i want him so bad, so i will get on here tomorrow and update u on what goes on...im sure it'll be nothing because i really dnt think he'll answer deep down inside, but im praying he does and im praying he meets me, because i honestly know tht if i could get him to come over or to meet me somewhere, or even get him to just give me a chance and talk to me! i kno i can get him to realize somethings and tht maybe we'll make up! so wish me luck...i'll be calling him in a couple hours and i hope he gives me the time! it soooo sucks tho because he should be begging me for my time...considering all the bullshit he said to me, but i know he's too stubborn to come around...and 2 stubborn ppl is not good, so im gonna bite the bullet this time!

posted by E.Kaye @ 7:18 PM [[ 0 comments ]]